Five Years Of Writing

Time 

Yeah.....here we are. Five years...... "The Following Are Just Random Thoughts In My Head" It started as a hobby and still is. When I started I never knew where this is going to lead. Thank you for all the time I got to write, I am happy I did what I can. One thought in my mind, " So much lonely time". Most of of these post take more than two hours to write as I need to think and then I will need to keep the draft to think again wondering if I need to post it or just delete it, I debate with myself and then I got a friend who often proof reads every single line and correct my mistake  (she works for free and I have not paid her anything. I must pay her something). 

Often I tell myself "Get a life." I should have done something else. Now I don't know why I write. Just want to write down all the debate I have with me. I wish I had a friend to talk to and discuss about life and everything under the stars and including stars.  Forgot how to make a friend, all I got is co workers and they are not friends. I forgot how to talk, I forgot how to express my thoughts correctly. Sad. 

What could I have done instead of writing? Watch a movie? Read a book? Go out? Travel? Talk to a friend? Learn a new language? Learn something? Did I just wasted my life writing? 


Writing 

What could I have done instead of writing?  

I don't know, I would have watched movies, listen to music and lay on my bed scrolling through social media, start using drugs?. All my friends are far away and I couldn't make any new friends. As I got older it got harder, I did ask a few if they would like to be friends with me but they politely found different reason why we couldn't be friends. Tried doing things with many people so that I could be included with them and be a part of a team. Guess I just think too much and I am too logical, writing became the only way to express myself. Often people remember about you when you have something in common, like smoking or drinking, people with similar habits invite each other and they have a great time together.     

Often it is a rush of thoughts and emotions that make me write. Other times I don't write at all. I wish I could be a good writer someday. A good writer in a sense of what? I wonder what can I write? What make people read my work? What unique character do I have? What is my selling point?  When I read books of others I wonder how they did it. I don't have the thought process or the word structure for that. I just write, it helps me think. 

Isolation 

Isolation have become a good friend of mine, we officially met back in 2013, before that we often find each other I didn't like our meetings, it was hard and I just wanted to get out. After 2013 isolation became a everyday event, I didn't like any of those moment. I wanted to run away and give up, slowing I understood I couldn't run away.  

Even if I am with people I am still isolated. I am trapped. It took up to 2 years to get use to isolation, I found writing, reading, studying, and working out in the gym as an escape and later on those became the only way to escape isolation. It do come with its own problems, you get bored or tired of your escape routes and you get stuck with isolation again.  Eventually it became a norm and I found happiness in isolation. 

    Went too far that, I didn't want to talk to people anyone and make friends anymore, it was true for years, I didn't care about talking to people or making an impression, slowly I became more invisible around people, a background noise, an NPC, that guy next door, a nobody. The real danger comes when getting sick, you don't have anyone to call, don't have anyone around you to give you a few pills or food. All that can be done is lay on the bed waiting for the sickness to pass and hope not to starve to death. 

Comedian 

I often see people making others laugh, I wished if I could do the same, I once prayed if I could make people laugh. I think God heard my prayer, people often laugh at me. They laugh when they hear about my misfortune, mistakes, failed exam scores, failed job interviews, life in general, past jobs, current jobs, fate, future expectations. 

I felt sad in the beginning but later I got used to all my failures, failing became natural and I became happy that I could make someone laugh telling about my failures. I just accept my fate now. Someday in the future, if this blog is still available to people, I am sure someone will be laughing reading all my blogs and I am happy about it. I made them laugh. The laughing stock at class is now a laughing stock in internet. 

Life

 I recently took up the bible and asked for a bible verse to feel good or motivated and escape this heavy stress I'm carrying inside, the verses I got was ; 

32 “He was led like a sheep to the slaughter, and as a lamb before its shearer is silent, so he did not open his mouth. 33 In his humiliation he was deprived of justice. Who can speak of his descendants? For his life was taken from the earth.”

Not what I wanted to hear at this moment, but that's what I got, I don't know why I got it, I don't know if it have any other meaning. I am a sheep to the slaughter, I am silent and I can't fight back, I can't find justice. I worked hard and harder, I worked long hours and searched endlessly, what I thought would be a 3 month journey have gone past 27 months. I thought my hard work and my persistence  will find an answer and I will be able to lead a normal life. Well I learned it the hard way, life is not scripted, life is not what we think it is, for the most part we still follow the law of the jungle, the strongest survive and it is the race up to the top of the food chain. I wish I had my more power , I wish I could fight my way up, I wish I had more time. I must just accept the truth and learn to be okay with it. 

It is sad to see when a lion hunts down the deer, accept the fact, that's life. That's how life works.