2023

 

28/12/2023

I must write something about this year 2023. Writing this out of the blue without any proper thinking or preparation. Just putting things down as it comes to me, no editing or proofreading.  This might help me laugh in the future. 2023 killed me psychologically, all I did was work all the time, everyday. If I was not working, just spending time alone. This year, I specially tried making friends but failed for the most part, got better in making conversations. Wanted to travel more, I did travel to few many cities and I liked it, did wanted to travel more and wished if I could be with my friends. At the end of the year I lost or missed everyone. Most of them moved, some forgot, some didn't care, in short life happen. Is it true that as we get older its hard to make friends? 

Failed

The years 2021 and 2022 was mostly very productive, worked on new things and made a lot of money. I was so happy about making money, but there was that void of not having my friends. Worked on new skills but couldn't get practice much.  Then came 2023 everything I worked on failed, everything new I tried failed. Applied for more than 2000 job openings in one year and I failed to secure, the competition was very high. The number of people that applied for the positions were about 3000+ . Spend hours applying for different openings. 

Worked extremely hard, worked two full time jobs and worked to complete burnout and exhaustion. Worked 24 hrs straight few times and I was happy that I did. All that hard work would be a stepping stone to success - I was a fool to think like that. Hard work doesn't promise success. This game of life have some other features and tools to use on the road to victory. All I could do was work hard and never really tried using other tools. 2023 was a compete a failure, I worked, I prayed, I begged. Emotionally drained. 

Read a story by Franz Kafka "The Metamorphosis".  Story of a man becoming a bug. Useless. The life story of Franz is more depressing than the stories he wrote. If I win in something it would be winning over the fear of failure. I am okay to fail now. I don't feel a thing, just breathing, alive, watching the world getting ahead. A failed soul. My worst nightmare came to reality. Still hanging to that dry grass. 

I remember a poem by Charles Bukowski, The Crunch 

" an old guy in a cheap room

with a photograph of Merlin Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock. "

 

Many old guys in cheap rooms with no photograph at all..... 

I am not sad about being alone. I like it. I am able to think, go out and come back anytime, eat anything I want. It's that emptiness that I feel sometimes. All I might be looking for is just that feeling of belonging and usefulness.