Reel Friends | Harison Xavier

It started small, a good time to spend with special people. It was worth having friends so close and happy to spend time with them. Every day and time, new things happen and new problems come up and I was so engaged with them. I felt a great sense of belonging. I was happy. Spending time with friends, drinking coffee and eating, cracking jokes, and facing problems together and solving them. This is life, this is happiness. This is where I belong. 

Then my  mind goes.......Wait a minute......... It is not real, you are not with any of your friends, you didn't spend time with anyone. It is the covid19 pandemic. You rarely went out. You rarely talked to anyone. You didn't solve anything. You were inside your room isolated. You are just binge-watching.

I vanished for a while. I was running away from something. I just wanted to hide. I didn't know what I was hiding from. One thing I was doing was watching TV series, I never thought I would ever like one. I didn't like to be an addict to watch a series all day. I was alone and isolated so the obvious thing for me to do was self-improvement, but naaa.. I didn't, I just sit there and wasted a good amount of time. I wanted to do a lot of things but I just gave up. I lost a lot of things too. Now I am trying hard to get back all the things that I had. I am trying very hard to write this.

The first episode or the TV series I watched was F.R.I.E.N.D.S  TV series. It was free to watch on YouTube.  There were a few shot clips of the show and then one led to the other and I got addicted. 6 friends staying close to each other in an apartment building?  and having fun all day ?  Is this college? The show is funny, but there was something more than just funny in it. 

It is the thing I am missing. Friendship. That's what I wanted. I want friends. It is hard for me to make new friends and the close friends I have are not near me. No matter how developed the technology is, still it is not possible to replicate the feeling of being close with friends. A face to face conversation with a close friend is a great blessing. ( I know it's value now.)

The first episode was good, out of nowhere - Central Perk cafe, few friends sitting together and chatting about their lives, drinking coffee, and immediately I became one of them, I don't know what are their names or story of each people, but I was one of them. It felt so good, finally, I got friends. I belong with them. The first episode felt like a hug, filled me with something I wanted. I felt so happy. I watched the second, I was hugged by my new friends again. We talked, we laughed, we were together in this. I finally found the place I belong. 

The first season went quickly, I was surprised, time do go fast, I had to do some other things, but I didn't. I was spending time with friends. I didn't regret it. I was happy, it is important to spend time with friends. I enjoyed every moment.  The void inside me got filled.

I wanted more, I want to spend more time with friends. I never got the opportunity to spend this much time with people before. Everyone leaves, everyone has their own life, they have their own story to write and I am not a part of it. But here is where I felt like I was a part of it. I often feel so amazed how the authors wrote this and made it into a masterpiece. 

Season 4!! The guilt, I finished 4 seasons in 2 days. I have not done anything. I am feeling small guilt inside me. When the fourth season ended, a sad voice inside me spoke up, "You need to stop, they are not real". It sounded so real, I tried ignoring it. "Come on...I am happy, such a bliss". Work still not done. 

Season 5 - I must stop, it feels like breaking a favorite toy, I must stop watching. They are not real, they are a reel of memory. They don't know I exist. They don't know there is someone who wishes to spend time with them, just tag along. Still, it feels good to be in a magical world. Escaping the real-world responsibilities. A pain started growing inside me, a sadness, an emptiness. I am investing my time in people that don't exist. I must take a break. 

Season 7 - Now this is just a show that makes me sad. Every episode is entertaining but deep down it tells me that you can't have this life. My friends grew up fast and I am still the same. I didn't even move. For a moment I thought we all our growing up together.

My soul is having an party of emotions. I am happy spending time but there is a guilt inside me that tells me that this is wrong and I should stop. It is important that I listen to it. I made a plan, I will watch only one episode a day. It didn't work well but it was good. I was able to postpone watching the series few many times. I was able to find time to do things I wanted to do. Breaking this new habit was hard and painful but it was necessary. Little by little I was able to make minor changes and I was able to make myself understand that I the reel friends are not real and I don't belong with them. 

I tried making friends in the real world but it failed for some reason I am not able to connect with new people. It takes a very long time for me to be friends with someone. I often try to breakout of my comfort zone and try making friends but they all end up as failed experiments. It feels like I am turning invisible. The loneliness in the crowed. I don't want to be the center of attention, just wanted to talk to someone close or just have my close friends back home with me. 

I finally finished watching the series. It was sad to see it end, I do wish to re watch it again but no, I should end it too. I had a good time with the reel friends and it is time to say good bye to them. There is still a void inside me that wants friends but it is okay, friends are not for everyone, there are billions out there who don't have any friends, and I am one of them. In the end I feel a bit happy that I was able to control my binge watching habit. 

The End. 

This is an attempt to write again. It's been close to a year since I wrote something. I almost forgot about a blog like this. I can't write like most professional bloggers do, and there is only one regular visitor for this blog. I forgot how I felt after writing down my thoughts. This blog has become a graveyard of my past thoughts. I don't know if I agree with the things I said before but still writing down my thoughts helps me think.