A Failed Atheist | Harison Xavier

 

I love stars, I do go outside at night and watch the stars and wonder "who are we?, Why are we so special?" We are so insignificant compared to the size of the universe as we know. Yet, we are special. We are the only one, the only life form that (we think) exists. 

Thanks to the internet, I recently watched more than 14+ hours of videos of a debate between two gentlemen on the topic "Does God Exist?" Considering the background of these people I knew this is going to be very informative and by the end of it, we will find an answer. 

They both went on with their arguments on why they are correct. I was very impressed with the depth of this debate, so much information and examples. At one point I was convinced and said to myself that "Maybe God doesn't exist". 

It is not just them that I watched, there were many other intellectuals from different religious and science backgrounds, who have their own point of view. This search for the truth of mine has been an ongoing process for the past year. I find myself constantly thinking what if there is no God? Why are we here? What is my purpose here? Why is there so my violence and misery in this world? Why is God not here to help? 

I was convinced at one point there is no God. I stopped praying and going to the church. Then something happens, I am in big trouble, making big plans, high risk, I am doing things that no one around me has ever done. Taking risks that are beyond my abilities, facing things alone, facing things that are beyond my control. At times that this I start praying, and I think to myself wasn't I an atheist recently. And now I am praying really hard to get things to work.

Yes, you can call me weak, I am weak, I don't have any special powers or talent. All I have is my willingness to work hard and pray that things get worked out. 

"I need God, I need him badly, at the time of high risk or facing things that are beyond my control, I believe only God can help me. Life has been very tough and I failed a million times. It is just getting tougher as time goes on and I can't do it alone, I will need God by my side to help me guide me through these difficulties. 

I will just say what I found out, even though it is not good enough comparing with the rest of the intellectuals and their findings. 

After many days of long deep thought, I conclude that no matter how great you are, how good your credentials are, there is no winner in a debate on God, nobody wins. It is just not possible, you could convince many that there is a God, and rest there is no God. No matter how hard you try there is no possible way that we could find if there is a God or we could prove that God doesn't exist. 

It is all in the hands of the mastermind or the architect that created the universe. And all we humans with our tiny brain could do is talk nonsense on how God doesn't exist or how God looks like. 

Look around you, look at the stars, everything follows an unknown rule or a rhythm, everything is perfectly placed and everything moves in perfect balance and sync. Is this an accident? I can't see this as an accident, big bang is not an accident. There is a purpose for everything and there is a deep secret that no brain in the history of our earth have ever found. 

There are no answers to these questions. We are here alone or we are in the hands of God. 

What I can say is there is something out there, we can call it God or science, and it is watching and listening closely. 

( Just want to write my thoughts down in one shot, like a rant and see if I could find something. )